Tuesday Poem: The lawyer’s eulogy at the funeral of a client

Good afternoon, my name is

Titus Loebloe from the practice

Loebloe, Shalloe and Sharpe.

I didn’t know Eunice well

but she was my client.

She used to worry a lot

and ring me up all the time

as you do when

you’re getting past it.

Well, the clock was ticking

at both ends of the phone

I tell you.

I would like to use

this opportunity

to acquaint possible

beneficiaries of the will

with some of our

investment services.

If you are inclined

as Eunice is – sorry, was

to hand over her savings to us

lock, stock and wine-box

I can honestly say

what a pleasure that would be

for both of us.

We have a number of

high-risk, low-return schemes

for you to consider

and I guarantee that

we will make more money

out of this than

you ever dreamed.

Just in case you are wondering

how successful I have been

that’s my car outside – the Volvo

I know it looks a bit like a hearse

but it cost a fortune.

Now, you should also be aware

that it’s not too late for Eunice

to donate her organs

to medical research –

just sign the sheet on the way out

and I will arrange it.

I have a number of large hosp…

I mean, keen buyers lined up

and what they will pay

will more than offset

the cost of re-opening the coffin.

Before I finish I would like to say

its been a pleasure

and will be more so

once you put $250 in the plate –

my fee for providing you each

with this wonderful advice.

--

In February 2005, The New Zealand Consumer reported that a lawyer charged a bereaved family for time spent in attending the funeral of a client. The Wellington District Law Society defended the practice.  The poem is my satirical take on the sorry story. 

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